I've been working on my first novel for three years.
I'm a slow writer at the best of times but now that we've added a baby to the mix, my writing pace has officially reached sloth status. I realize that writing's not a race ... just because some people are capable of writing a rough first draft in a month (NaNoWriMo-ers, I'm looking at you with awe and envy) doesn't mean I'm doing something wrong by taking my sweet time. There's no right way to write; every author has to find the creative process and strategy that works best for them. I'm one of those meticulous, finicky sorts and I tend to edit as I go ... laudable traits for a writer, I think.
That said, I'm also aware of the fact that I waste a heck of a lot of time second guessing myself and my work. I desperately want my novel to be GOOD. And not just "hey, this is decent" good, but Giller Prize good. I'm nothing if not an overachiever; no one can accuse me of not dreaming big and aiming high. But sometimes, my aspirations paralyze me. I get so caught up in trying to make sure that what I'm writing is "good" that I end up not writing at all. Or, I write and erase because "that rubbish isn't gonna win me any literary awards!" ... forgetting, of course, that the whole point of a draft is to get your ideas down on paper; the refining can come later. So, I write and erase and then avoid writing for awhile and then write and erase and avoid writing and so on and so forth.
Basically all of this is just a long, rambling way of explaining that I've been making progress on my book, but it's slow going. While part of that is out of my control (ie: I have a toddler who refuses to nap and who still isn't sleeping consistently through the night - send coffee, please & thank you) a larger part has to do with fear, self-doubt and hesitancy. I love my book. I love my characters. And I'm absolutely terrified that I won't do their story justice. I realize the scope of my novel is ambitious and I'm but a mere amateur ... is this plot really a good idea for my very first novel?! How can I possibly pull this off?!
Enter The 2017 Surrey International Writers Conference, which I attended this past weekend. This was my third year as a conference attendee - my fourth, if you include the year I volunteered. I always leave the Sheraton Hotel feeling inspired and eager to put everything I've learned into motion, but this year I left with something a little different in my back pocket: permission for it to suck.
"It" being my story.
This change of heart began in my very first workshop on Friday morning: Social Justice Writing with Jane Eaton Hamilton. Somehow, our group got a little off track with our discussion and the conversation turned, albeit briefly, to the business of writing. I already knew that the majority of writers, including those who are published and well established, aren't rolling in the dough ... but I didn't realize that even authors with a "bestseller" under their belt are likely only making a few thousand dollars (if that) in royalties. When our group got back to the matter at hand, Social Justice, I was reminded of what an important role writers have in shaping public opinion, awareness and empathy. "Oh yeah," I thought as I sat there soaking it all in. "That's why I started writing this story in the first place, isn't it?" It was equal parts humbling and inspiring.
I left that workshop with an understanding that even if I someday win my beloved Giller Prize, or perhaps a Governor General's literary award, fame and fortune aren't likely to follow. I can't be in this business for the money. I can't be in it for praise or recognition. I need to write for the sheer love of writing ... the process alone has to be worth it. I need to write because I have a story inside of me that so desperately needs to be told, I'm willing to risk being mocked right off GoodReads if it isn't well received.
This idea of writing for the love of writing, of writing simply to tell the story, kept sneaking its way into my notebook as I shuffled from workshop to workshop. On Sunday I attended the No Write Way Panel with Elizabeth Boyle, Susanna Kearsley and Mary Robinette Kowal (aka: the Whiskey Chicks). As these brilliant ladies shared insight on how they turn their ideas into bestsellers, Susanna explained that at some point during every project she undertakes, she finds herself questioning whether or not she'll be able to pull it off. It took all my strength not to jump up and shout "OMG - you too?!!" It was such a moment of validation for me and a reminder that while fear and insecurity are a perfectly normal part of the creative process, they shouldn't dictate the process. Concern that you won't achieve the caliber you're aiming for shouldn't stop you from trying.
I left the conference positively giddy and in love with the idea of writing unrestrained. It's been 72 hours now and I'm still riding this high. I've made more progress on my book in the last 3 days than I have in the last 3 months - committing words to paper, hammering away at plot problems, falling head over heels for my characters all over again. It's amazing what happens when you remove your self-imposed requirement for perfection and JUST. WRITE.
So, spoiler alert: I still want my Giller. But, I'm no longer writing for the jury. I'm writing for me. I'm writing because I love to write; because I believe in my story ... and for the first time in probably forever, I can say with all honesty that it's okay if I finish it and reread it and realize that it's terrible.
I've granted myself permission for it to suck, but come hell or high water I will write this novel.
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