When my daughter was born, I stopped writing.
It wasn't intentional, it just sort of happened. Pregnancy slowed me down and having a newborn completely derailed my writing plans. I barely wrote a thing during that first year and a half of motherhood.
When I tell people this, they often assume my lack of productivity was the result of having "no time" to write but that's not quite true. Sure, my days were chaotic and I was ridiculously sleep-deprived, but I could have found time to write. I found time to read, finishing 35 books. I found time to scrapbook my daughter's baby pictures. The problem wasn't a lack of time, it was that I didn't want to write. A taboo confession in the writing community, for sure.
For 18 months, I chose diapers over line edits. I put my novel and my writing goals on hold so that I could learn to maneuver the crazy roller coaster ride that is parenting. In retrospect, I realize that what I was actually doing was taking a self-imposed maternity leave from the writing life ... but at the time, it just felt like I had shelved writing indefinitely. And, believe it or not, I was okay with that. I knew that I'd get back to writing sooner or later. Sure enough, shortly after my daughter's first birthday I began to feel the itch to work on my manuscript. By the time she turned 18 months old, I was back on a schedule (albeit a flexible one) with weekly word count goals and project deadlines. I was in full-on writer mode again, ready and eager.
Did my break from writing stifle my career? Did it cost me the opportunity to work with the agent who expressed interest in my manuscript three whole years ago? Did I miss out on publishing opportunities by not hustling to complete my novel before someone with a similar plot beat me to it? Only time will tell. But regardless of how things play out, I won't regret the fact that I took a hiatus from writing. It was immensely beneficial in helping me adjust to motherhood. It was good for me, and for my family. I knew I was doing the right thing, but every now and then I still had moments of doubt. I wondered if I was still a "real writer" ... whether I was passionate enough, worthy enough, hardworking enough? I had willingly put writing on hold so was I just a big phony? An imposter?
At conferences and on writing podcasts, I often hear industry big shots say things like "real writers just HAVE to write. They can't help themselves. They're miserable if they're not putting words to paper. They need to write the same way they need to breathe. They can't survive if they're not writing. If you're a real writer, you'll find the time to write no matter what. If you really care about writing, you'll make it a priority. Real writers, the ones who are truly passionate about their craft, write every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY."
There are variations, but the overall message is clear - if you're not writing every day, then you're doing something wrong. And if you're okay with not writing every day, then you probably don't want it enough.
Well pardon my French, but I call bullshit. If a surgeon doesn't perform surgery every single day, does she suddenly cease to be a surgeon? If a professor takes a sabbatical and doesn't step foot on campus for a year, does he forfeit his right to be called a professor? What about a passionate gardener who spends four months of the year digging in his flower beds, but eight months indoors futzing around on his computer? Does anyone call into question his love of horticulture?
What, then, is so different about writing? Why are writers constantly being told that their passion and level of commitment are best measured by sheer quantity; by how much or how often they write? And who decided that writing incessantly is the creative goal we should all aspire to anyway? Who decided that taking a leave of absence from writing can't be helpful to the creative process? The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word writer as "one that writes". When did the writing community decide to change that definition to "one that writes all the time?"
Listen, I understand where the "write every day" enthusiasts are coming from. There's no doubt that practice makes perfect - the more you write and work on your craft, the better you'll become. But I think that mantra can actually do more harm than good if there are no caveats attached. For many of us, writing every day is simply an unrealistic goal. For others, it's a goal we have no interest in trying to achieve. When frequency is presented as the deciding factor in distinguishing a "real writer" from a "wannabe writer", it spokes the flames of self-doubt and has the power to snuff out the enthusiasm of exceptionally talented individuals.
What if, instead of urging writers to "write every day", we remind them that putting a story down on paper isn't meant to be a race and encourage them to simply write as often as they can? What if we reminded them that ...
1. There are as many ways to be a "real writer" as there are writers. Everyone is different. What works for one may not work for all. Some people write 365 days a year and some people write much, much less. Some people write their novel in six months, some people take six years. Regardless of which group you fall in, you're still a writer. A real writer.
2. There are a thousand different reasons why someone might stop writing for an extended period of time. If you find yourself in a season where writing isn't a frequent occurrence, that's okay. If your gut is telling you to intentionally put writing on hold for awhile, don't be afraid to listen to that voice. You will not spontaneously combust, I promise. The words will be there when you get back and you're still a writer. A real writer.
3. Writing is an art and a passion and a lifestyle ... but it's also work, especially for those of us trying to make an income from it. It's not all lounging around in coffee shops, sipping cappuccinos and effortlessly jotting down the world's next bestseller. Writing is HARD. Writing is often draining and mentally exhausting. Ever heard of a little thing called work/life balance? It's not only 100% okay to take vacations and sabbaticals from writing, it's healthy. If you choose to do so, you're still a writer. A real writer.
No one should be made to feel guilty about putting down the pen to focus on other areas of life. We need to give ourselves and one another some grace; we're not super-humans. We cannot do it all. There will be seasons in our lives where writing will NOT be the priority, and that is 100% okay. You're still a writer. A real writer.
** If anything I've said here resonates with you, I highly highly encourage you to watch this interview with Cheryl Strayed. I found it so encouraging and validating. **
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